Monday, December 21st, 2009
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10:25 pm
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No one probably reads this so I don't know why I'm even writing in here. Probably just because I need to vent
I'm so fucking sick of people coming up with fucking excuse after excuse as to WHY they can't make it online when they've said they will be. Fuck I know people have a life and things come up but at least give me the decency of letting me know BEFORE I'm texting you to find out where the hell you are. Or don't fucking disappear for fucking MONTH's on end without telling me what the fuck is going on. Especially when we're supposed to be fucking writing partners for rp's. FUCK! I'm just so fucking pissed. Feeling like everyone is trying to avoid me or something. Maybe it's my fucking depression but really that's how the hell I'm feeling.
People I want to rp with aren't around and people that I rp with ALL the time are always there, whether I want to RP or not, and then get pissed when I say I'm not in the mood. Well fuck me, how about I forget about having a fucking miscarriage two years ago right around this time of year and be all fucking happy. Truthfully if it wasn't for Alex I would probably just curl up in my fucking pj's and pull the blanket over my head and say FUCK THE WORLD! That's really what I'd rather do this time of year. It'd be so easy to do too. Send Leo to his parent's place for however long and I could just hide out. Whether I'd eat or not is a whole other story.
Oh and something else to piss me off is when people go to fucking movie theatre's with fucking headlice and I end up with it! FUCK! What is wrong with people? Are they to stupid to feel their fucking heads itching? Seriously people, make sure you don't have fucking bugs in your hair when you go somewhere.
Anyway I'm going off. I really need to find all my music. All my hard shit. I don't have much hard shit on my phone. I really need to put more on there. Or maybe I'll go search for my Nintendo DS and play the three new games I got this weekend.
Or fucking hide. That sounds like a good option.
current mood:  bitchy
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Monday, October 12th, 2009
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1:50 am
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Well I don't know if anyone will actually read this cause as it stands right now, not like many people read my entries anyway. Maybe it's cause I don't write much. Suckage I know but well I'm used to it. It's the story of my life. Everyone always says they're my friend but really when it comes to it, they aren't.
I once was asked why I spend so much time wanting to Role play on the computer. My answer, Because it's nice to escape reality for awhile. Well truthfully, it's because I don't have many friend's period. Especially not ones who aren't on the internet. Most of the people I talk to, not sure if I should call the friend's or not, are on the world wide web. Not exactly what you'd call able to have a meaningful friendship.
Sure I do have a couple of friend's who live in the same city as me and who I don't talk to on the net but it's easier talking to people on the net. At least then they don't actually have to see your face and see the hurt behind your eyes.
So what brought this all on? I've been sitting here since 7pm waiting for someone to come on to even chat with. Usually I'm RPing everynight. Not tonight. I figured someone would have been around. It's not like tomorrow, or wait it's after midnight, today is a holiday for MOST of my friend's as they're either American or like one friend Australian and they'd have to work Monday. Well one person showed up. Said we should RP then signed off after I told her where we'd had our one couple. Apparently I wasn't good enough to Rp with tonight. Another friend, I know she has family issuse happenening right now so I can't really fault her, that and he has to drive her son to school in the morning, but she aid she'd be on. Didn't see her. My Austrailian friend, whom I usually end up staying up and playing with all night, didn't show up. It's now 4:45pm over there while it's 1:44am here. I was hoping to see her. She talked me into joining a community with a character, to interact with her's and bring back another character to a community I used to be in.
I don't know whether to stay up much later and wait or what I should do. Don't know if I'm feeling this way because of the depression, or the bleeding for two months then stopping for about 2 week and starting again; or whether there's something more and people are just trying to avoid me. I don't know. It sucks. I actually sat here tonight watching pathetic movies on TV and looking at pictures of a character of mine. Which really sucks cause I can only have 10 icons in the community and I've got WAY more than 10 pictures to use for icons.
current mood:  blank
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Thursday, May 15th, 2008
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8:11 pm
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Ok I'm going to update this sort of. I'm going to post piccies cause I keep getting bugged by one person in particular. Ok Isi you asked for the pics so here's a pile of them. :) This update is going to be long cause I'll have more after the pics. :)
( The Little Prince )
So I've been RPing like mad and it's MAD fun. Haven't been on WoW in the last little while, mostly cause I've been RPing. I have dropped in once in awhile in WoW. I'm in some great communities now and it's a ton of fun. I'm loving it.
On Saturday I start a new job. Fancy it being in a barn. Who would have thunk it? Are you all surprised about that? I know I'm not. The good thing is that I'm only required to work four hours on Saturday and Sundays and I make $10/hour. WOOT! Can we say Hello Riding Camp? So yeah that's the other thing I'm going to a week long adult riding camp in August. Totally excited. It's not even an overnight camp. It's just a day camp for the week but that means RIDING Everyday! I'm soooooooo excited. I can't wait. Though I do need to buy a new helmet cause mine is TOASTED!!! :) Really should have bought a new one like 7 years ago! Ummm can we say oops! :)
Anyway I'm out for now. More when there's more to update about! :)
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Thursday, May 8th, 2008
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12:20 am - Oh taken from someone or another! :)
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Go to MusicOutfitters.com. In the Search box, enter the year you graduated high school. The first item returned should be the 100 most popular songs from that year. Cut and paste them into your journal.
Bold the ones you like
Underline your favorite.
Strike through the songs you loathe
( 1998 )
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Saturday, April 19th, 2008
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10:45 pm
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So wow I haven't updated this in a little while. Guess I've just been busy. I've been playing WoW and Rping.
So why is tonight different? Probably because I'm feeling sort of blah. I really wish I had a fairy godmother who could provide anything I want. Yes I'm Rping, Yes I'm still playing the purple beast, and yes I'm volunteering with Centeral Ontario Developmental Riding Program again but it's not the same. I think the reason it's a blah day is cause I'm really really missing the horses. Working with the horses for the program is great but it's not the same as riding. I really really need to be around the horses. I know Leo can't afford it, and I don't mean to feel like this to make him feel bad cause I know he does his best but I can't help it. When horses and music act as a therapy for me it's hard when you feel like part of you is missing. Yes I have a house, yes I have a family, but I just feel like a big part of me is missing.
So I've now got a level 40 Pally in WoW. I now have two mounts! WOOT! Been doing a lot of RPing. Mostly with Jeia and Kitty! :) It's been great fun.
Anyway I'm going to leave this here. Might go to bed since no one seems to be on to RP. Suckage but meh it's life I guess.
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Friday, April 4th, 2008
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10:45 am
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Holy snot I should actually use this! :)
I've been over playing WoW like WOW!! :) I'm over there with a level 28 Draenei Paladin, a level 20 Human Preist and a Blood Elf Palain too.:) I love it. But my free 30 day trial ends on the 11th. So that kind of sucks cause Leo said he doesn't have the money to pay for it each month.
What else have I been doing? Hmmm.....not really much. Rping some. When I get the chance as people are busy so that means I have to keep myself amused. Sometimes that's scary enough.
I got my tattoo. :) WOOT! It looks awesome. I'm tres content with it. And it didn't hurt as much as the one on my back. :) LOL This time I only stopped three times unlike the other one which took something like an extra half hour or so to do it. When Bry said that he was done with this one after a half hour I didn't believe him. It's healed up nicely now. :)
Hmmm.....now for some quizes I've done.
( Quizes )
Have I mentioned that sometimes Canadian tv SUCKS the big one?! I had to watch the first episode of the Tudors Second season on You Tube on Tuesday! But that's alright. I managed to find episodes one and two. WOOT! And JRM is looking as HAWT as evea!
Anyway this is probably long enough by now so I'm leaving. TA TA for now.
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Friday, February 29th, 2008
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11:03 am
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Awww I love my Jeia! :) Yes you're my little Jeia!! Of course everyone's little compared to me considering I'm 6ft freaking tall! :) Anyway Jeia's paying for me to play World of Warcraft, for a month anyway and then we'll have to see what happens. Leo's already told me I get my Violin lessons so that's all I get. It's really annoying, I want to work but the only thing I'm good at is cleaning barns, and I can't do weekends cause Alex gets all bent out of shape over it. :( So that means I have to go with the money how Leo says.
So yes I've been playing WoW! I'm having fun. Though I am getting stuck on a couple quests but meh I'll figure it out or I can just drag Jeia and Tammers to help me with them! :) LOL
So Alex didn't get into Kidsability Junior Kindergarten which sucks. I was hoping he would cause I'm just afraid he's going to get left behind because of his speech delays. Yeah he's talking now but sometimes people still don't understand him. Like his father and grandfather. Sometimes even my mother doesn't understand him. Hell I spend all day with him and even I have trouble sometimes. :( Well he'll still be going for speech therapy so that's a good thing.
Anyway that's my little tidbit for today! :) Going to leave soon to actually learn how to cook!:) LOL Not that things'll be made by me! LOL
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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11:58 pm
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I feel stupid for sitting here in the tub, yes I take my laptop into the bathroom while I soak in the tub and no I'm not silly enough to have it on the edge of the tub, that's what stools are for. Anyway I feel stupid for sitting here at 11:30 crying in the tub. Why am I crying? I have no idea. Because people aren't on? Maybe. But that is a fucked up reason to be crying. I know people have lives and they all aren't like me who have no life where I can sit on the computer and Rp til my hearts content.
I got asked once why I always want to rp. I've thought about it quite a lot, what else am I going to do when I don't have a fucking life. And it's not that I am always online, I'm always online because I have no money and where the hell am I going to go when I'm broke. Another reason I rp so much is the fact that I can get away from reality for awhile. I can lose myself in what's happening on screen. What can I say I took drama for four years in high school.
Maybe I rp all the time because I really should be acting. Trouble is I've not got an agent. Have no idea how to go about getting one and really who's going to want to have someone who's 6ft tall and weighs almost three hundred pounds and is as ugly as can be as a client who probably wouldn't ever get roles anyway. Maybe my mom was right and I never will amount to anything in my life so what's the since in even trying?
I know it's no ones fault that they aren't on. I'm just having one of those night's probably because I haven't taken my meds. Yes I know not a good thing but whatever. I'd probably still be this way anyway. I'm just one hell of a depressed person.
Ok going to go cry somemore in the tub. Unless someone actually comes along to Rp with.
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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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7:32 pm
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I'm home!! OMG!!!!! You don't know how much of a weight was lifted off my shoulders the further away from Leo's parents place we got! HOLY SHIT!!! I fell like a whole new person! :)
YAYness! So yay for me!
Anyway just a quick note as I'm about to head out to Violin. YAY!!! I'll be back around later.
Oscar night tonight must see which pups are at the Oscar's or which pup's men are at them. IE Vig! :)
So Lise I know you want to Vampy RP tonight when I get back! ;)
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2:11 pm
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I just want to cry! Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I haven't taken my meds, maybe because my in laws are driving me nuts. I don't know. I just feel blah and I want to cry over the stupidest things.
My mother in law is driving me crazy and getting bitchy because there was pop on the fucking carpet. Bitching because someone left the pop where Alex could get it. Well I have no fucking clue as to who the hell was the one who left it on the fucking counter. Probably my dear husband who's fucking sleeping while I get the brunt of his parents bitching at me. Fuck I wish I was home right now. Or at least in the car leaving. I should go and wake him up to find out just when we're leaving.
I was just on my hands and knees going down the hall cleaning the fucking carpet with a washcloth. Not to mention that while they were gone I've already changed the bed and changed it.
Fuck I hate spending to long here. It drives me crazy.
I've just spent time downstairs in the den crying, Leo didn't say anything. Crying because I hate it here, and crying over the fact that my friend apparently doesn't have any muse for Roleplaying so that means no rping today unless someone is around tonight.
Anyway I'm going to leave this rant here hopefully we're leaving soon. More later.
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
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9:36 pm
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FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Ok I'm bored. This is what happens when I get bored. I don't know why. Besides I get depressed. Yes probably not a good thing with me having depression and all that shit but that's what happens when I don't have roleplaying. I find out tonight that a friend of mine whom I've been rping with just isn't into rping anymore. Which sucks. Then another friend is away which you know I can't fault anyone for being away. And another friend whom I haven't rp'd with in I don't know how long, has decided to tell me NOW after I brought in a charrie for her charrie that she's not got time to apply to the one community.
Not to mention I'm getting damned frustrated that I keep pimping for two communities and no one seems to want to Rp in them!:( It saddens me. I see all these other communities out there that have people in them and I can't seem to get the communities going. :(
It's fucking quiet online tonight. Well there are people in and out but that's from the new community I joined as Natalie Dormer. :) Yay go me.
My father in law wants to play games but I'm just not into playing a game. I don't know what it is but I just don't want to. Leo called me a party pooper but I'm just not into paying games like Dominoes or cards. So fucking sue me.
Anyway yes I'm ranting a lot this weekend. This is what happens when I become insane and I have to deal with my in laws.
Anyway I think I'll leave this now.
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Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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8:44 pm
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Is it Sunday yet? I thought it was a good idea to come to my In laws while Alex healed but I'm wishing we'd have stayed at home. My mother in law has OCD I SWEAR to god. Every morning the bed has to be made and blah blah blah. I HATE it here. I don't get to rp cause A)NO one is around. Where are you all? and B) my father in law and mother in law don't think I should be able to sit down and that I should be the one doing all the work in regards to our laundry and looking after the dog etc.
So anyway Alex is fine. Came out of surgery like a trooper. :) He's acting as if he hadn't had surgery. He's already been eating peanuts and lettuce and candy. And we haven't offered him anything but soft stuff. My kid is amazing.
So yes I need to RP. Need to have my sanity cause I'm slowly losing it here in hell at my in laws. I'm begging to wonder if people really want to Rp with me. Maybe it's just my depression that's getting to me. I know people have their own lives and can't spend there time on the computer RPing and stuff but I don't know. I just feel like crap lately. I'm really wondering if I fit in anywhere. Especially my own family. Here I am at my in laws, they all talk French which automatically leaves me out, they're all sitting in the living room and I'm in the dining room on the computer. Even my own son prefers Leo over me.
I really wonder where exactly I fit in.
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
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1:31 am
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Ok so I'm pissy and worried and fighting a cold!
Damn it. I downloaded the Tudors first season and then went to watch it.....couldn't! Fucking pissed me off to the max! Just left my computer on for the past two days, laptop that is, and all for what? A waste of time and money. Sooooo totally not happy.
Worried about Alex having his tonsils out. I'm going to be sitting in the hospital all day while he has them out at 8:30 in the morning and then has to stay in the hospital for 5-6 hours. Oh joy oh bliss. Then Heading to my inlaws for a week so they can help me with him while he heals. Luckily Leo is coming too so I'm not dealing with them for a week on my own.
Still have a damn head cold. Ok it's just the stuffed up nose now but still it's shitty.
Let's see what else. Been needing to RP and like NO ONE has been around. I've been pretty silly or stupid whatever you want to call it, and reading over old logs. Not to sure why I still have them but meh. :) Anyway managed to revive one Storyline, sure it's a private storyline but so what? It's my vampy Rebecca. :) The one that's been to Midian, and Devil's Tower.......where is she now......Oh with her sire Derek at Absalom as they work on plays. :)
Totally still Rping at Famous. God I love my girls there. The only one who's not really got a Storyline is Keira so if anyone wants to join who plays someone that would be cool for Keira then let me know! :) Was supposed to have a SL with a friend who plays Jason Spezza from the Ottawa Sens but she's not got time for like anything right now. I haven't rp'd with her since......god knows when.
Still wondering if Meg is EVER going to rp HP again with me. I miss our PSL HP. We've been playing PSL Hp forever! It's great. We change it up once in awhile so it's not always the same.
Still think Lizzie and Avie and the crew need a revival Lise. :)
Anyway I need sleep so I'm out. I'll try to update tomorrow or sometime as to how everything went with Alex. I swear I have no nails left.
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Monday, February 11th, 2008
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12:27 pm
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Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE, DETEST, whatever you want to call it, Winter? Why is it then when there is snow on the ground people tend to lose brain cells? Come on people you live in CANADA it snows, we do have four seasons and one makes it dangerous to drive in, and there will be BIG piles of snow where the snow plowed has plowed the snow to when they've plowed the parking lot. Probably a good idea NOT to park along the snow bank when there is a row of cars where people are PROBABLY going to try and back out of their parking spots to get out of the lot. Won't be a good idea to park your car there where they CAN'T get the fuck out of their spot because there are cars on all three sides of their vehicle.
Ok now that I got that rant out. It took me like a half hour LONGER to get home from Alex's school today because some stupid bitch parked her car behind mine along the snowbank. Hello? I have a fucking van there's NO way in HELL that I'll be able to swing the fucker out without hitting another car. Probably a good chance that the car that'll be hit was hers. I wasn't the only one who was blocked in. There was a few other's who couldn't get out because of similair issuses. Though some were even more stupid and parked three wide. You'd think that if they saw two rows of cars they wouldn't park there.
Anyway all I really have is a rant so I'm going to leave this for now saying I HATE THIS MUCH FUCKING SNOW!
Is it spring yet so all this SHITE can melt finally?
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
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8:14 pm
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So I know I haven't said much in here in the last little while but things have been going pretty well.
( Going behind a cut because might be graphic for some veiwers. )
It's now been almost two months and I'm doing much better, for the first week, if it wasn't for Alex I don't think I'd have gotten out of bed. I'm getting a tattoo for representing the two miscarriages I had, because yes I had one back in 2005. So I'm doing better but I still wanted to find out why and whether it was a boy or girl. Well now I know the answers. Apparently the baby had what's called Cysitc Hygroma. I know that's the medical term and here's the definition. A cystic hygroma is a sac-like structure with a thin wall that most commonly occurs in the head and neck area. So really it's a good thing the baby didn't make it.
We also found out it was a boy. I wanted to know to help bring closure to it but now I'm not sure it was such a good idea. Now I'm just constantly trying to picture what our second little boy would have looked like. And imagining what it would have been like when I would be calling Alex and then to call Lucas as well. We've named him just for the closure. The only pictures I have of him are the ultrasound pictures.
So anyway I think I'll leave this here since I really don't have much else to say.
RIP my little Lucas William. You will be sorely missed. You are loved but I know you're looking down on us and your big brother.
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Thursday, January 24th, 2008
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10:45 am
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WOOT! Got some good news today. I was looking for something to put Alex in this summer and we've been given the ok to put him in Soccer. Even if he won't technically be four til almost the end of the season. Actually truthfully he won't be four til after the season's over but still. The only requirement is the birth year. And he falls into that so he's PLAYING SOCCER this summer! :) YAY! He's already excited and then he goes to school in September!
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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
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9:41 pm
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HAHAHAHA Fighting with Holly over Lise :) We both say that Lise is ours. Meaning she's MINE!!!! Now I'm trying to figure out when I first met Lise. I know it was through an LOTR Rp but I can't quite remember the year.
( Convo with Holly about Lise ) But we still love each other and Lise!
Awww I love my girls. All of them! :) Thing is though I wasn't taught very well how to share!!:) LOL Ok that's a joke I can share.
See this is what happens when I'm left to figure out how to keep my own sanity. I've not roleplayed in like forever. :( I really really really need to RP.
I have a chance, well hopefully it comes through, to do a Tupperware party. Yes I sell it. Yes I know I'm crazy to try it a Second or is it third time? I don't know anymore. My Aunt had one of the girls at work ask her if she knows anyone who sells Tupperware and my aunt asked me to email her info about it that she could print off for the girl so hopefully that works.
Back to the Rping thing. Anyone know of a next Gen Hp game where people are elitest assholes? Anyone? Oh and anyone know, or play Jonathan Rhys Meyers? I really need a JRM for a storyline with my Natalie Dormer.
What else? Oh yes.
I just about died of shock at the news yesterday. I was dozing on the couch and Leo was on the other one. Then he said that Heath Ledger was dead. I at first hadn't heard him and asked him again and he told me again. I sat up and quickly grabbed my computer to check it for myself. Of course as I sat up I almost knocked the damn fish tank over. I just couldn't believe it. I feel for his daughter. That's got to be hard on anyone to loose their father and she's only two. I'm still sitting here in shock.
This entry probably isn't making any sense but it's cause I haven't Rped in what feels like forever. I hate this!
( Seriousness under here. Enter at own risk )
Anyway leaving this here. Hopefully I can find someone to Rp with. :( It's so sad! My sanity is at risk!
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Monday, January 21st, 2008
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6:07 pm - Holy cow another entry!:)
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So I've got to be crazy! I'm actually starting a Tudors Rp community! I've already put my claim on playing Anne Boelyn That's all there is to it. I've had other communities and they've all died out on me before which sucks the big one. Hopefully this one'll actually last. I watched some bloopers on Youtube of The Tudors and I can't wait for the second season to come out! :) I'm excited. Supposed to be March at least that's probably Showtime but we'll see when it comes on up here on CBC. It's driving me nuts. I don't even have the money to go out and buy the first season on DVD. So ok that's that part.
I applied to a couple of different HP Next Gen games and I'm giving up. I'm not good enough for them apparently. Apparently I'm A)not good enough writer or B)I haven't made my character 3 dimensional enough. WTF is that?! I've worked my ass off on both applications and apparently it's still not good enough! Well FUCK them and their damn elitest ways. That's fucking bullshit.
I'm sick of wasting my fucking time trying to prove someone to someone else. I have enough shit going on in my life without having to prove to some probably little shit who's younger than I am thinking they're all that and a fucking bag of chips!
Ok that's my little rant and exciting news. Not really sure what else to put here except that I NEED TO RP and no one's been around! It's driving me crazy! I hoped to Rp with a friend of mine on our private HP SL but she was busy all weekend watching movies with her sister. And the other person I rp with I can understand her not being around, her grandfather passed away but it made a god forsaken boring ass weekend. I needed to find someway of gaining my sanity and usually that involves RPing but that didn't happen this weekend.
Ok so I'm outtie for now. Lates.
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Monday, January 14th, 2008
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4:25 pm - GJ Can kiss my lily white A$$
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So I'm pissed at GJ! This sucks! I went to move all my fics over here and the calendar page only shows for 2008. Well that doesn't help me get the one fic I'd been writing that had like 5 chapters to it! Now I've lost it! :( I had written it in a book but now I can't find the damn book. That fucking sucks!
Ok my little rant for the day. For now anyway. I've got to get Leo From work and that actually involves moving my ass and getting the kid dressed and changed. I think he forgot to tell mommy when he pooped. Anyway got to jet.
I'm outtie.
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4:07 pm - Emmy Rossum/Sidney Crosby Fanfic
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